Tom...as in Morgan

Never thought I would pat the French on the back for anything these days.

More about that later. First, I wonder how many times you have experienced something like the following.

Staying at a resort hotel for a conference a few weeks ago, I happened upon a quiet lounge. I had the overstuffed chairs and couches to myself. Fire crackled in the fireplace. I settled down to sip coffee, read a few newspapers. What peacefullness. What bliss. What the hell?!?

"HI, SAM! SAM, IT’S ME! HARRY! LISTEN, I DON’T THINK WE SHOULD SIGN THAT CONTRACT. NAH! TELL YOU WHAT..."

A cretin armed with cell phone had invaded the lounge and shattered the quiet. He had made his way down long corridors to launch his attack. He could have made his call in one of them. Or in a phone booth. Or outside. Or in the john.

He chose to scream instructions to "SAM! CAN YOU STILL HEAR ME SAM!!" within a few feet of me because he is a cretin. He is rude. He is thoughtless. He is inconsiderate.

And, unfortunately, he is a member of a veritable army.

Well, I thought, this is a free country. He is allowed to talk on his phone wherever he wishes. This lounge does not belong more to me than to him. Comforted by the wisdom gained over many years, I quietly folded my paper and rose.

And planted myself before him.

"Out!" I muttered, my arm thrust outward like the master ordering his spaniel. "Get the hell out of here!".

"Wha? WAIT A MINUTE SAM. SOMEBODY’S TRYIN’ TO..."

"Get your cellphone and your booming voice out of here you...you...you..."

Bewildered, he wandered down the hall. "I DUNNO, SAM. SOME KOOK. LISTEN, TELL YA WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOIN’ NOW..."

Okay, tell me I have trudged into the age of curmudgeonry. When it comes to cretins invading people’s privacy with cell phones I plead guilty. With pleasure aforethought.

I am not alone. Too many friends complain about people at their elbow in restaurants babbling on about important matters. "YEAH, WELL LIKE, WE JUST GOT HERE. YEAH, YEAH, WE’RE HERE. IN THIS RESTAURANT. IT’S KINDA NOISY LIKE. AND THIS OLD GEEZER AT THE NEXT TABLE. HE’S, LIKE, GOT STEAM COMIN’ OUT HIS EARS, LIKE."

Now to the French. I read the other day the French now allow their cinemas to jam cell phones. I presume they will allow symphony halls to do the same. Maybe libraries. Good for them. They got something right.

I am hoping some electronic wizard entrepreneur will market a personal jamming device. You will carry it in your pocket. When someone attacks your quiet with a cell phone you will slip a hand in a pocket and zap! There has to be an immense market for such a device.

That market will grow when the airlines start to allow cell phone calls in the air. Which they plan to do. Now you will be able to listen to three conversations.

"HI, WE’RE LEAVING NOW." "HI, WE’RE IN THE AIR NOW." And "HI, WE’VE LANDED NOW. WE’RE JUST COMING UP TO THE TERMINAL."

I would buy the extra powerful model. The one that would disable any cell phone I saw a driver using. At thirty yards. Such people are breaking the law. And they endanger pedestrians and other drivers. "SAM, I GOTTA GO NOW. I JUST RAN OVER SOME KID ON A BIKE. YEAH."

If anyone comes up with such a device, I hope it will disable boom boxes as well. For the same reasons that I want to disable cell phones. I could sell a thousand of those a day to people who ride the subway in New York.

Until such devices come onto the market I am certain there is another solution. One worthy of polite people in a civil society. But merely suggesting it in print might make me liable for arrest.

Jail cells pick up noise from nearby. "HELLO, SAM? YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTA HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?"